Only In America

Only in america......

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.


2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.


3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.


4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.


6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.


7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.


8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.


9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'

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10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM's with Braille lettering.


EVER WONDER
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click .."?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff??


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (that's the only time I have to work on my hair).


On a bag of Fritos:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside. (the shoplifter special?).


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....).


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)!


On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news
flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this
one.)


On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

The Wonderful Los Angeles Medical System

I wasted my time and went to the TB clinic today. They didn't do sh*t. I had already prepared myself for my death sentence. They were more concerned about me filling out my paper work correctly than they were about my health. It seems the doctors are all too lazy to do their damn jobs. How can it be that I've been sick off and on for the past 8 months and the doctors don't seem to know what the problem is? I've been doing my research on all of my symptoms. It all started back in October when I first got sick with a throat infection in my lymph nodes. I went to the doctor and was prescribed some weak antibiotics. They didn't work completely. I went back to the doctor and he told me that the swelling in my throat would go away in a few days. It took nearly three weeks for my throat to completely clear up. I was sick off and on for the next 2 months. Recently I did some research and I discovered that an infection of your lymph nodes can lead to pneumonia if you don't receive proper medical treatment. Surprise, surprise! I caught pneumonia in February and was hospitalized in March. WTF! I wish I had known this. The doctors were taking advantage of my ignorance of medical science. I took some x-rays and had a cat-scan in the hospital. The doctors prescribed me some more weak antibiotics for 10 days and told me I should be fine in a few weeks. By the middle of April I was coughing and still having pain in my right lung. I went to the doctor where they performed more x-rays and another cat-scan. The doctor went on vacation and I didn't get my results back for almost two weeks. His stupid nurse called and gave me the news.
"The doctor found something in your right lung but he said it will go away in a few weeks."
A few weeks? Haven't I heard this somewhere before? The weeks go by and suddenly it's June. Nothing has changed. I still have coughing fits in the middle of the night and I can't take comfortable deep breaths. I go BACK to the doctor and demand better treatment. Their version of better treatment was taking more pointless x-rays. I was also given a TB (tuberculosis) test. Within hours after being given the TB test (vaccine) I start coughing up phlegm and my lungs are burning. What the hell did they do to me? The next morning I wake up and my right arms has a huge, red, itchy, inflammation from where they tested me. I decided to do my own research on the internet and I found that pneumonia and TB go hand in hand. If a person isn't treated correctly for pneumonia then they can easily become exposed to tuberculosis. Ain't that some sh*t? In order to test positive for TB the inflammation on the arm has to be between 5mm to 10mm. My inflammation was 20mm! So I'm ordered to go the the TB clinic. I got there this morning to beat the crowd and long lines. The place was infested with gnats and ants. Certainly if a person didn't already have a disease before they came here they would have one after leaving! The nurse called my name and I followed her into the examining room. There were blood stains on her uniform. I didn't want her to touch me. Ugh. I seriously wanted to just go home at that point. She began asking me a series of annoying questions.
"Have you tested positive for HIV or AIDS? Are you pregnant? Do you use needles or drugs? Do you smoke? Are you homeless? Have you ever been in jail or prison?....Blah, blah, blah."
Good Lord Almighty! What a waste of time! It's been a week since my TB test and I still have a red, itchy, painful bump on my arm. I was told that it would go away in a few days. I showed it to the nurse. Her eyes bulged.
"Whoa...You have definitely been exposed to TB. But the swelling on your arm will go away in a few days." Yeah, right. The blood stains on her uniform were making me sick. She led me to the radiology room where I took some more pointless x-rays. Haven't they seen enough? The same sh*t. Too much radiation can give a person cancer. I've had two cat scans and five x-rays in the past four months. But after doing my own research I know for a fact that you can't diagnose someone with TB by giving them an x-ray. Other tests HAVE to be performed. They were going to need samples from my lungs and stomach. It could take weeks before a doctor would know if I had TB or not. I asked the nurse what other tests were they going to give me and she said I would only be getting x-rays. A few minutes after I was done she came to give me my x-ray results from the doctor. I saw her talk to the doctor and then they started to laugh. She put on a mask and came into the waiting room. I know that wearing a mask wasn't necessary unless you are around someone who is contagious. I was the only one in the room.
"....Uh....." the nurse was holding my results and she seemed nervous. "The doctor says he didn't see any TB in your lungs. You don't have TB." I knew she was lying. Why was she suddenly wearing a mask? There was no one else in the room. I also knew that you can't determine whether or not if a person has TB by giving them an x-ray.
"Well," I said. "If it's not TB then what is it? Do I still have pneumonia?"
"I don't know. The doctor didn't say. We only specialize in TB. You'll have to go back to your regular doctor and see what they can do for you." The b*tch was lying to me.
"I'm going to need something in writing," I demanded.
"You'll get your official results in the mail in two to three weeks," she said. WTF?!
"No," I told her, "I want something in writing today. I want proof." Finally the nurse gave in and decided to give me a document stating that my x-rays were neither normal or abnormal but "pending". What the hell does that mean? No where on the document did it state that I did NOT have TB. Honestly, I believe I have dormant TB. My TB test was positive and above average. I'm not stupid. Over the past few days I have been discussing with my family about suing these medical clinics for lack of treatment and failure to follow up and disgusting sanitary conditions. Tomorrow I'll be going home for the holiday and I'll also be talking with my lawyer there. Why do the doctors keep shrugging me off and telling me I will be okay in "a few weeks" ? It just doesn't make any sense for a person to go from having infected lymph nodes, to pneumonia, to tuberculosis. What's next? My death bed?

I Didn't See It Coming

Late Winter 2007

No matter what, life will play its course. You can live your life and try the best you can but life is simply life. Just when you think things will get better or maybe there is a shred of hope, diaster and unfortune can strike at the most sensitive time and moment. It is impossible to always expect the worst, but it's even more impossible to expect the best. Being in denial and unconsciously torturing yourself to death. Not realizing you're going the wrong way and then it becomes too late to change for prevention. It hits you so hard your mind and body don't know how to react. Then you suddenly feel like you're slipping towards insanity or coming upon the verge of a nervous breakdown...

I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. The same uneasy feeling I have every time I open my eyes. The same feeling I've learned to ignore over the past few years. I had to go to work early this morning. I was a little hungry, and although I have a job, I haven't been making enough money to buy groceries lately. So instead I drank some water and got dressed for work. Today I have a job interview after work. I hoped it would be something comfortable with good pay and security. I packed some things I would need for my interview. My resume, lip gloss, a pen, house keys, and my beige open-toed pumps. I smashed it all into my raggedy tattered purse. It was ripping and tearing at the seams. If I do well on this interview and get the job then maybe I can buy myself a new purse. I hope.
I was hungry and tired from lack of sleep, but I made my way outside to the bus stop. It was still early in the morning but the sun was beating down hot and miserable. The more sun I was exposed to the more my hair burned and broke off. Occassionally, my face would break out into a heat rash from excessive sunlight. I was too ashamed to use an umbrella. How would it look for a Black person to be walking down the street on a perfectly sunny day while using an umbrella? It would look as if I were ashamed of my brown skin and didn't want it to get any darker. So instead, everyday I stood outside waiting for the bus while the sun seemingly baked me alive.
My bus showed up and I got on. I fell asleep in what seemed like seconds. My eyelids felt like bricks. I hunched in my seat. Only 5 hours of restless sleep last night. I've never been able to sleep a whole night through since I was 17. That awful uneasy feeling keeping me up at all hours. It always gave me that sudden urge to talk to someone. To have someone listen to me and agree on everything I was saying even if what I was saying was completely wrong.
But today I wanted to be happy. I had a job interview and things could possibly change.
I went to a nearby coffee shop just before I went to work and bought me a cup of hot tea. I shouldn't have wasted my money but I didn't want to be sad today and I thought a nice drink would make me feel better.
It was peaceful and quiet at the store where I worked. No one was there except me. It was still early in the morning. I sipped my tea and busied myself with small chores and tasks of preparing the store to be opened. I enjoyed 2 calm hours to myself before my manager came in for her shift. Immediately she put me to work cleaning and dusting. I felt terrible and vulnerable but I did my job anyway. But I had a job interview today. Maybe I wouldn't have to work here anymore! I counted down the time before it was time for me to leave. A few minutes before my shift was over a young man comes into the store and starts talking to my manager.
"I'm going to interview him for the position," my manager tells me. The position. One of my co-workers quit a few days ago and my manager has been scrambling to hire someone to take her place.
I went to the front of the store and looked at the clock. It's time for me to go. There is no one else here to run the store while my manager was conducting an interview. Now I was going miss MY interview. Why did she have to schedule this at the end of my shift? I wait 10 minutes in agony. The buses are so slow here in L.A. I'll never make it on time. I have to leave. I interupt my manager and the young man and I tell her I have to leave. She seems to be annoyed with me and I try to apologize. She blows me off. I smile and politely leave. I was in no mood to be mean or bitchy.
I quickly changed my shoes to my beige open-toed pumps and head for the bus stop. I have about 30 minutes before my interview.... I wait for 15 minutes. Out of nervous habit I clench my left pointer-finger back and forth. When the bus finally shows up the bus driver tells me that my bus pass is invalid for freeway transportation and that I have to pay. My heart sinks. I hardly ever carry cash on me. I begin searching through my wallet for some coins to put in the machine. Then I pay and sit in the rear of the bus. The air conditioner blew cold, painful air into my left ear. I cocked my head for comfort. I remained that way for the rest of the trip. I tried not to think of the worst and hoped that I would somehow make it to my interview on time.
By the time I got off the bus it was already past due. I walked for 10 minutes before I realized I was going the wrong way. I cursed myself. I couldn't find the address anywhere. I called the company I had my appointment with and asked for directions. Twice I got lost walking up and down the street. My feet began to hurt and I switched back into my moccasins. When I finally arrived I was exactly 35 minutes late. I felt like an unprofessional, unorganized, fool. I didn't feel like an adult at all. I couldn't believe they still wanted to interview me. I was introduced to two women and ushered into an office. I began rummaging through my raggedy purse for my resume. I then noticed that I was still wearing my moccasins. I cursed myself again for not changing back into my pumps before I entered the building. I withdrew my resume and set it on the desk between me and the two ladies. My resume was crumpled and wrinkly. I had accidentally smashed it in my purse with my beige pumps. I cursed myself for the third time. The three of us looked at my pitiful crumpled resume sitting in the middle of the desk. Then they looked at me. I must have looked a mess too after being lost for nearly half an hour. My face was flushed, my armpits were sweaty and my hair was askew. I tried to answer all of the questions in the interview but I could tell that I was just wasting all of our time. My palms became sweaty. For every answer I gave, that same uneasy rumbling feeling came into my stomach. Or maybe I was just hungry.
I knew in my heart I wasn't going to get the job.
"We'll call you," one of the ladies said. They must have noticed my flushed features and they offered me a bottle of water. I accepted. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I could fill myself up with water until I could find some food. As I left their office I heard one of them sigh a remark of pity.
"That poor little thing."
Yes, I am a poor little thing, I agreed in thought. It had become cold outside and I wrapped my thin jacket tighter around me. I felt like my insides were cracking. I walked slowly to the bus stop and thought about all the wrong things I did today. It seemed like just being alive was a mistake. I fell into a deep depressing thought as the moments flew by. I stood at the bus stop for over an hour. My bus never showed up. Dozens of times this has happened to me but this time for some reason it seemed unbearable. I got really angry and I wanted to cry. Standing there in the cold and my stomach growling in hunger. I could feel that stupid uneasy feeling creeping up and down my back and I couldn't make it go away. Years of disappointments and broken promises suddenly fizzed up in my memory. My head and eyes began to hurt. Why did I feel so bad?
I thought that things could be different. I thought that maybe I could make a change and have something that felt right in my life. I thought I could stop pretending to be happy and actually BE happy. But I was so wrong.
I had lost. Whatever war I had unawaringly waged against myself had been lost.
That's when I began to walk. I didn't even know where I was or where I was going. I was literally lost and my bus had disappeared off the face of the earth. I walked and walked until I started to cry. But no tears came. I think crying without tears has got to be the most uncomfortable type of crying a person can do. The wind whipped at my face and froze my lungs. I'll be damned if I get pneumonia again. It was getting darker and clouds had filled the sky. It seemed even the sun had given up on me. I took out my cell phone and pointlessly browsed through my phone book. There was no one to call. Not one person. No friends, no family. For a moment I almost had a feeling of what it felt like to be homeless. How could person live that way? No human should ever have to experience that type of life.
I continued wandering the streets looking for something or SOMEONE. Anyone. I wanted help so bad. But there was no one to ask. How come I don't have any real friends? How come I can't get close to my family? I just wanted someone to take me home. I felt like screaming, but if I did then I knew I would cry real tears. I didn't want to do that. I didn't want to reveal tears in public of my loss against myself. At least I could have control over that part of my life. The uneasy feeling spread throughout my body and I kept taking deep breaths to keep from crying. I don't know whats wrong with me but somehow I feel like I already knew I would reach this strange depressing point. I walked the streets until I came upon a bus stop with a familiar sign. I was frozen stiff by the time a bus arrived. Again, the bus driver told me that my bus pass was invalid for freeway transportation and that I would have to pay. I felt so sorry and bitter that I didn't even care about giving my last bit of change to the machine. I got on the bus and sat in the back again. I closed my eyes but didn't fall asleep. I wondered what I was going to eat when I got home. I didn't really have much to eat in my apartment.
When I got home I found one of my roommates and her boyfriend cuddled up on the couch watching a movie together in the living room. I felt terrible and went to my room and threw my raggedy purse on the floor. My head and eyes still hurt and I laid on my bed. I wondered what it would be like to have a real someone. Someone who cares enough. Someone who could've given me a ride home when my bus didn't show up. Just a friend. I wish I had real friends. I wish I could be closer to my family. I wish for a lot of things. But the only thing I know how to do is pretend.
Pretend I enjoy being alone. Pretend I love my job. Pretend my fake friends are real friends. Pretend I'm close with my family. Pretend tomorrow will be better. Just pretending that things will get better soon...

Crazy Thoughts

Winter 2007

It's 3:30 in the morning right now......I'm SOOOOOO scared. How can I explain the word fear? I just had a horrible nightmare. Why do all of my nightmares seem so REAL? I've got the lights on because I'm still slightly afraid of the dark. I had a dream that I was living in the future. (I always have dreams about the end of the world!) I was going to the movies with my boyfriend. The movie theaters were built inside of an old, huge mansion. Somehow I got lost and separated from my boyfriend. I got stuck in this weird room with blue, white and gray furniture. The same color as the sky outside. I sat on the couch and called my mom on my cell phone because I couldn't find anyone to help me. I tried so hard to tell her that I was lost and that I needed some help but she just didn't take me seriously. She started telling me about all the fun things she was going to do over the weekend. I started yelling at her. For some reason I was losing all sensibility. That's when I realized that I was completely alone. No one was outside or in the movie theaters. Where did my boyfriend go?!

Fear, fear, fear. That's all I could feel. Fear is the greatest human emotion. It's even greater than love. I have never felt so lonely and scared in my life. I just had this crazy thought that someone was out to get me. The worse part is that I actually thought I was awake. It didn't feel like a dream. I started crying, singing and praying. I was just completely delirious.
Then I heard thunder and a strange muffled voice but I couldn't tell where it was coming from. Evil sounds were coming from all over the place. I lost contact with my mom on the phone.

Then he walked in. Pure evil. I've seen his face several times. It's not like he ever introduces himself. But you know how you can look at something or someone and already know who or what you're looking at? He's tall and stocky. He wore strange black clothing. His skin was gray and he had black unusual hair like no other race of people on this earth. But none of that scared me. It was his eyes. The darkest, blackest, most evil looking eyes I've ever seen in my life.
Has anyone out there ever looked into the eyes of evil? Or Satan? Sometimes I just live my life and forget that God or the devil even exist. Then I have crazy dreams like this and suddenly I'm on point again. Is this God's way of keeping me focused or something?
I swear I was looking into the eyes of the devil. He grinned at me. Does he know something I don't know? I just kept crying, singing and praying. Nothing really helped. I had the idea that he wanted to kill me.
Suddenly I got really angry. I yelled at him. I can't remember what I said. I lifted my hands in the air and just started yelling at him. I was all alone and there was no one there to save me except myself. I guess my brain figured that I had no choice and so I just got angry and started to yell in my defense. There was a strange piece of black furniture that appeared next to him. They both started to disappear. I could feel my fear slowly disappearing too......
Then suddenly I woke up. My heart was pounding like crazy and my body felt all stiff. Someone was standing near the foot of my bed. I tried to gain focus on whatever it was but it vanished when I moved.
Now I'm sitting in my room, with the lights on, typing this.....I don't want to go back to sleep........

If You Don't Have Anything Nice To Say, Don't Say Anything At All

You know what I'm trying to teach myself? How to take "constructive criticism".

I've noticed that people at my job ALWAYS disagree with my thoughts and opinions. It's funny because I don't even talk that much at work. But my co-workers think I complain too much. At first I just ignored them because I thought, "What do they know?" F*ck 'em! But just last week I did a double take on myself. (If I don't keep myself in check who is?) It's almost winter time and I naturally tend to have a higher level of depression compared to the summer and spring.

So one night last week I got off work feeling restless and lost. I started to think to myself, "What if I am a negative person?" Do the things I say at work really rub people the wrong way? I know that I'm not perfect so there could be a possiblity that those idiots at my job are right about me. Constructive criticism is such a bitch.

About three days ago I decided to put myself to the test. I'm going to try and keep my verbal thoughts and opinions as positive as possible. (Notice that I used the word verbal; there's no way I could keep ALL my silent thoughts to myself positive.) I don't think this task will be too hard for me because I don't really talk to anyone anyway. As a matter of fact, I'm never the person who starts a conversation but I'm very good at ending them.

I never thought of myself as being a negative person but rather an extremely misunderstood person. Usually when I do say something at work it's because I like to hear what other people think. I'm not trying to make anyone irritated. What's even more strange to me is someone laughs at me because they think I'm telling a joke when actually I was trying to be serious. Everyone who knows me personally knows that my sense of humor is off and I can't tell a joke to save my life! I'm always one step behind it seems like. Maybe thats why I'm always dissatisfied with every job I've ever had. I don't work well in large groups of people. I get shy and nervous. Sometimes people speak over me or just simply ignore me. But whenever I do get a chance to speak on something I'm always mistaken for complaining.

For example: There is a cafeteria on the lower level of my hotel where I work. Now I could get anyone who works there to agree with me that the food isn't fit even for dogs. YES, that's how horrible the food is. It makes prison food look like a gourmet restaraunt.

So one day I decided to say something about it since no one else seemed to care. I have a sensitive stomach and I was getting tired of paying taxes on the garbage they served in the cafeteria. My co-workers and manager and I were having a meeting before we went downstairs for our lunch break. At the end of the meeting my manager asks if any of us have any questions. Of course, I raised my hand.

"How come we can't eat the same food we serve in the restaraunt?" I asked. "No one likes the food downstairs in the cafeteria - it's always old and never cooked right."

Some of my co-workers had a look of embarrassment on their faces and my manager turned red. Thats when I realized that I must have said something wrong. In all honesty, I wasn't trying to sound like a complaining bitch. I actually really wanted to know why we couldn't eat the food we served in the restaraunt. It always looked and smelled soooooo good!

"Well," my manager said. "The cooks in this hotel work very hard to prepare a menu for everyone everyday and unlike most jobs you should feel lucky to have a free meal here."

Lucky?! Is that why no one ever complained about the food? Because it's free?! (Which it wasn't because they charged us taxes on our pay checks.) After that incident I started to bring my own lunch from home on many occassions. Or sometimes eating a big meal before I start work and lasting until I go home at the end of the night.

But that was just one thing that fuels the fire. I believe the true reason for my displeasure is the fact that the majority of the people I work with are ignorant and they enjoy being modern day slaves and pleasing other people. Just yesterday when I was at work all they could talk about was having a merry Christmas and waiting for the stock market to raise back up. Don't they know that the market is going to crash?!! But of course if I were to voice this then someone would say that I was being "negative" and "close minded". Some folks just can't handle the truth.

So I guess I should take this as a lesson learned. I don't want to turn into a bitter, angry, bitch. So far I've been doing good with keeping my mouth shut and not agreeing or disagreeing with anyone at work. I don't dare say anything that might come off as being pessimistic. I only smile and daydream... Just like everybody else.

I Remember (poem)

I remember the days when my father would hit me in the head and tell me I was stupid,

I remember the day when my dreams died forever,

I remember the day when my mother turned her back on me,

I remember the day when I realized I may never fall in love,

I remember the day when my brother striked me in the face with his fist,

I remember the day when I realized blood was never thicker than water,

I remember the day I cried alone in Kentucky,

I remember the day when I learned I could trust no one,

I remember the day when my mother wouldn't let me come home,

I remember the day when I was stranded alone in the streets,

I remember the days when my father called me a n*gga,

I remember the day when a friend stabbed me in the back

I remember the day when someone told me I wasn't beautiful,

I remember the day when I felt my heart break,

I remember the day when part of my soul died...So many days....

I remember the day when....I remember the day when...

Tell me why do I remember all the wrong days?...



written 11-15-06

Not Today (poem)

I don't feel like pleasing anyone today.

I don't feel like apologizing or trying to make up for any wrong thing I've done in the past.

I should really stop myself. I should run away and see how far I get before I get scared....It scares me just thinking about it.

Thinking about now, and how I'm going to worm my way out of a mess that gets me dirty and keeps everyone else clean.

I don't feel like giving my all or putting on a face so others can put faces on for me.

I don't feel like smiling because everyone else is smiling. Or laughing because everyone else is laughing.

Can I scream instead?

If I reacted to every gut feeling and instinct that came into my body I'd be too free to contain myself. If I stopped putting on a mask to please other people I could do almost anything I wanted. And right now I don't feel like adding up to other people and their worthless expectations.

I should stop myself, I really should. I guess I'd better start running away until I get scared...It excites me just thinking about it.



written 11/15/04

wHaT LoVe (expression)

Do you know what makes me feel funny? Feel nervous and lame? In a way I almost feel afraid and embarrassed. But it's love. I have never been in love but I think about it a lot. Never held hands or kissed someone on the lips. How embarrassed I feel. Will I ever find someone? Or even get married? I dream of a perfect relationship but there is no such thing as perfect in this world. I am certainly not perfect. I don't attract hopefuls in any incredible fashion. I am just simply, mediocre and average.

What does it feel like to hold hands with a person who loves you? What is the exact meaning of a kiss? Will love ever choose simple, average, mediocre me? I can't imagine someone looking into my eyes and saying, " I love you". Those words are rarely spoken to me to begin with. I would be too timid and extremely shy to say those three precious words to anyone.

I think that I may be scared of love. But why? No man has loved me before or even tried to love me. I must be dreadfully invisible for none have ever approached me in any romantic way. But I must admit that deep down inside I secretly long for him. Whoever it may be that I might have. It's a terrible feeling to be lonely and wonder if I might be this way for the rest of my life.

Could someone love me?!

I wouldn't tell anyone; I'd keep it a secret. And maybe, just maybe if I'm brave enough, I'd whisper those three precious words back to him.



written 7/24/04

Asking (poem)

I hate asking; I'm always asking for things. I can't ask God, I can't ask my mom, I can't ask my dad. Because then they would get mad at me and make me feel selfish for asking. Make me look stupid like a baby because I can't get things for myself.

That's why I'm always asking.

There is always an excuse; never a straight forward "yes". And I expect it so why do I ask?
Because I have no choice and there are certain things I cannot go without. But why these people? Why isn't there someone I can ask and not be denied, not feel selfish?

I hate asking but I have to.
But I won't ask forever. One day it will stop and they'll be asking me instead...



written 7/22/04

Back to Writing Again

So I haven't made a video on Youtube in a couple weeks. I'm really tired and I've developed a cough. So as soon as this cough goes away I'll be making some more vids. I'm actually just using this as a test run because I'm still not familiar with how to work this website. I'm wondering if I can upload my videos on here - I have no idea. This is definately a work in progess.