Dreams to Come...

Lately I have been having more disturbing dreams. Death, chaos, agony. Things you only see in movies. But now I have to wonder - where do they get the ideas for some of these movies? They are closer to reality than we think. Last month on Sunday night - August 22 - I had a dream that was too real to even say I was dreaming. I think it could have been another one of my crazy visions.

....I was coming home from work one day and I noticed not too many people were on the streets or subways. The people I did see looked nervous and frightened and they were all in a hurry. But I ignored them and continued on home without any questions or wonder. Where I got home my television was on. CNN was reporting a high death toll of 15,000 people. There were bodies lined up in the street - some were bodies of military men and others were of civilians. It looked like a big city in America because the street was being patrolled by the US Army. The CNN reporter began to name off some of the people who were dead so that family members could find them. Some of the bodies were so mutilated they had to be put in body bags right away, while the others lay dead in the eye of the public. It was never reported what exactly killed these people but whatever it was caused a great stir in the world and caused people to stop going to work and school.

Then I woke up...just a dream. Right?

Then the night before last on Tuesday I had another dream that made me think that it could be tied into my dream about the 15,000 deaths.

I'm not sure where I was but I remember being inside of a building - possibly my own home - and looking outside the window. The sky had changed to a strange lavender color and there was a mysterious red ball of fire in the sky. No one knew what it was. A meteorite, a sun, a planet, a star? It was smaller than the moon and sun and it seemed to be pretty far away but it was bigger than the average nighttime star. It simply appeared out of no where. Most people were nervous and afraid of it but life continued on since the strange ball of fire had done no harm and stayed in the same spot.

Then some time later - possibly days or months; I can't be sure - the ball of fire in the sky grew brighter and more red and the center of it became a hot orange. People began to go into a frenzy because no one knew what to do or what was going to happen. Many people stopped going to work and school. Then soon after, the burning ball in the sky shot down a continuous line of hot fire down onto the earth. I don't know where the fire touched but it was only one certain area of the earth that this fire was directed to. There was nothing anyone could do to make this fire stop shooting down. I remember seeing people running and screaming wanting a place to hide but there was no where to go.

Afterwards, the line of fire stopped. But people were still terrified because no one knew where this ball of fire would strike next....then I woke up. Just a "dream".....

Drifting

I'm sitting in the back all alone staring into the dimness. People all around me but not with me; talking and being seemingly happy. I am not here. I feel like I'm in a daze or a dream. Why do I have to be here? Stuck. Stuck until whenever.

I look down at my papers and run the words through my head and like water through a drain it leaves me. I simply cannot hold it. Will there be another test? If so, I do not care to pass.

I look up at the faces and uniforms and see nothing in their smiles and hear nothing in their laughter.

"What are you thinking over there?" someone asks.

"Nothing," I respond. Nothing. I yawn so hard my ear pops and I snap my eyes shut. I stay that way. As long as I think I can get away with it. I open my eyes and see. I see that I am completely out of place. They see too. When I was younger I would've cared but now I don't. What can they do to me?

I know that I make people uncomfortable when I'm too quiet. They continue to talk, I continue to be mute. Taking nothing in, giving nothing out. Drifting.

What exactly are we suppose to be doing right now? I finally think. I would like to get up and walk away right now and never come back. What if I did? What would happen? Will someone call out for me? Come look for me?

My foot twitches in anticipation. The dimness has become brighter, the laughter softer. I look across the room and see her. My friend. Another me. I almost forgot. She is here too. I suppose there is no need for two of us.

Now is my chance.

I get up and walk. Away. I shall never come back....

1:28 AM

I'm awake. Not because I want to be. But because I have a raging headache. Deep down into my neck. My eyes are watering from the pain in my temples. My vision is blurry. I am constantly ill. I truly and officially hate the world now. How much more? How much longer can we take? This year has started out bad for me. I've been dealing with a mysterious illness since New Year's Eve. Since then it has only gotten slightly better. Now recently, I've been contracting bad, random cases of nausea. It's all tearing me apart. My insides are sick and tired of being sick and tired. My job isn't any better. Sometimes I read my Bible at work just to keep me calm and level headed. It's so frustrating I can't even write about it in my journal. I never keep my journals. They're not meant for anyone else to read. Once I fill up the pages I throw them away. I seriously don't know why I write. Maybe I have a fetish. I've been doing it ever since I learned how to. Things just seem better when they're written down on paper.

Sometimes I feel like dying. But I can't tell if it's spiritual or physical. Whenever I become extremely stressed I become ill. And whenever I become ill I become extremely stressed. It is a constant, never-ending cycle.

I don't care about my family anymore. Is that bad? They call me and I rarely pick up the phone; I simply ignore them. They have all honestly become a dread to me. Or maybe I am the one who has become a dread.

Sometimes I wish death upon myself. Just to escape all the evils and madness of the world. But yet here I am. Still alive and breathing - still pushing. Pushing for what? I ask myself. Why do I do this? The torture I endure in hopes of having a happy ending. All I want is my happy ending. What must I do to attain it? I try to be the perfect woman but I feel I fail miserably. Is trying even good enough?

On Wednesday I will go back to the doctor. I'm sure she will still be clueless as to why I'm nauseated and in pain all the time. I've taken all the x-rays and blood tests. I will not be taking any more medicine or drugs she prescribes for me until she makes a correct diagnosis. It seems I will be dead before ANY physician will figure out my medical woes. Although, being deceased doesn't always seem like a bad state of existence. I wouldn't be sick anymore and I certainly wouldn't have to be a slave anymore.