I'm awake. Not because I want to be. But because I have a raging headache. Deep down into my neck. My eyes are watering from the pain in my temples. My vision is blurry. I am constantly ill. I truly and officially hate the world now. How much more? How much longer can we take? This year has started out bad for me. I've been dealing with a mysterious illness since New Year's Eve. Since then it has only gotten slightly better. Now recently, I've been contracting bad, random cases of nausea. It's all tearing me apart. My insides are sick and tired of being sick and tired. My job isn't any better. Sometimes I read my Bible at work just to keep me calm and level headed. It's so frustrating I can't even write about it in my journal. I never keep my journals. They're not meant for anyone else to read. Once I fill up the pages I throw them away. I seriously don't know why I write. Maybe I have a fetish. I've been doing it ever since I learned how to. Things just seem better when they're written down on paper.
Sometimes I feel like dying. But I can't tell if it's spiritual or physical. Whenever I become extremely stressed I become ill. And whenever I become ill I become extremely stressed. It is a constant, never-ending cycle.
I don't care about my family anymore. Is that bad? They call me and I rarely pick up the phone; I simply ignore them. They have all honestly become a dread to me. Or maybe I am the one who has become a dread.
Sometimes I wish death upon myself. Just to escape all the evils and madness of the world. But yet here I am. Still alive and breathing - still pushing. Pushing for what? I ask myself. Why do I do this? The torture I endure in hopes of having a happy ending. All I want is my happy ending. What must I do to attain it? I try to be the perfect woman but I feel I fail miserably. Is trying even good enough?
On Wednesday I will go back to the doctor. I'm sure she will still be clueless as to why I'm nauseated and in pain all the time. I've taken all the x-rays and blood tests. I will not be taking any more medicine or drugs she prescribes for me until she makes a correct diagnosis. It seems I will be dead before ANY physician will figure out my medical woes. Although, being deceased doesn't always seem like a bad state of existence. I wouldn't be sick anymore and I certainly wouldn't have to be a slave anymore.
9 comments:
You have to be strong. Never wish death upon yourself. I hope your feeling better, since this post is kind of old. I've watched your videos on youtube and can tell your a good, bright, funny & beautiful person. You should reach out to your friends if you don't feel like dealing with your family. Look, I stumbled across one of your vids and ended up watching most of them and subscribing to your channel. That shows I care about what you have to say. All your other subscribers are the same way. Also, family can be annoying but they care about you. Peace
Stay strong and never eva' let the external world bring you down. Pray to the most High to strengthen your Faith in whatever you may be going through. You are not alone, we all have something to deal with. Just strengthen yourself, pray and fast. Your sis in all sincerity.
Hello
I just watched one of your Youtube videos. I hope you are ok, you are such a wonderful person.
I wish you Godspeed
Timo
Late to comment, but I just want to say that you're not alone in feeling this way. Sorry if that sounded stupid.
Yahokhanan here..
Stop playin'
It's just art..
You was all "chipper and perky" (even with the pneumonia in your videos then..
Can I have your computer and camera?
Stress will lay you out. It's difficult to be positive with an illness.. YHWH had to pull me through or I would not have made it.
Infections lead to depression..Especially if there is quick recovery.
All one seems to have time to do is lay in a room, and think all day.
Hey,
my boyfriend was researching women in the workforce for his school assignment we came across your video and i was like i know her. I lived in solano county i'm going back in a month or so, but i think we went to high school together my name is Diana i was like crazy, i checked out your page and yea you are in solano, so i came to see your blog and i can relate to your songs we have some similar taste. I swear we hung out or talked but my minds blocked right not. If you want to email me at coco707blue@aol.com to talk furthur, I want to know how your doing? do you still have an illness? hit me up whenever.
Run away as a slave
Hide away as the moon in the clouds
Gone away as the old season
When shall I return
When the time is right
But I am feelin never
The night will pass
The new day will come
Then I will shine with the sun
No clouds to hide
No rain will cool
No slave of man
Post a Comment