Starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I could be so much more if I didn't let things tie me down. Carry so much luggage. I don't even think I know how to write a poem anymore.
I admit I'm depressed. There's something wrong in my life and I know how to fix it -
I just won't do it. I won't do it because I'm not allowed to. Unknown consequences.
But I also admit I feel hindered; stuck in limbo. It's a horrible feeling. I never thought I would have to experience things like this. Everything in my life has changed and I realize more and more how little I control it.
I'm surrounded by people almost every moment yet I'm surprisingly lonely.
Lonely with my thoughts that will never be heard. I dare not say them out loud. The restriction is suffocating.
Now I just stand and wait. Hoping someone will come and save me. Save us. If I wait long enough and pray hard enough someone will come right? Or something..
I tried once to reach for help; tried to explain myself but no one understands! No one really listens correctly. I will never do that again. I will continue to look out for myself.
I hold so much inside. Suffering in silence because I was told to do so. But also because I 'm embarrassed.
I should've know better. Why did I let it become this? It's partially my fault.
I honestly don't know what to do. But I'm a strong person so I guess I'll make it through. I only say I'm strong because other people seem to think so.
As time goes on I lose a little bit of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm speechless so I throw my hands in the air and surrender.
The only answer is to fix it. Just fix it.
I wish I could but I can't, I can't, I can't
14 comments:
i knew something was constricting you, restricting you, stifling, gripping, suffocating...and i know its hard, because i have been in the same place...your face was a reflection of my own, another me is you...someone once told me, someone who cared, they told me, dont be afraid to live life, people need you, but you need them too, and if you dont live life, you will never find those that are truly for you...not just extending lip service...so with that in mind, remember there is a light in you, that light attracts bugs, but it also attracts others of the same light, light knows light, truth knows truth, and spirit knows spirit...it may be hard, but believe in you, believe in me, believe in us, believe in we...i say that in the broadest sense and the most beautifully intimate sense...peace and love...
all i can say is i feel the same way
Please, please don't do anything to hurt yourself! I think you're precious and you have a lot to offer! Let me explain.
It's the internet, so it doesn't matter who I am. I happened to see one of your YouTube videos just last night and though I disagreed with your conclusions, I understood (or think I did, anyway) where you were coming from - but in any case was quickly smitten by how animated and lovely you are. (You kill guys the old fashioned way - through projecting an intelligent and attractive personality.) Anyhow, that made me immediately curious, so I followed the links back to this blog, where I read your comment from a day earlier - and I saw it's not like you post often - and its desperate tone freaked me out enough to compel me to write (for which I apologize: it sounds like you've already got enough problems, without random internet strangers reaching out!).
Please understand, when I say you kinda stole my heart, I mean you did it fair and square - by presenting yourself in your videos (I ended up watching several) as wide-open and unguarded as if sharing info with an old friend. It has almost nothing to do with looks or demographics, as it does with a sudden shock of realization that "oh crap, I understand ... I know what she means ... as though she were just ... me in a very different format!" Well, not exactly, of course, but close enough that the jump from outside-to-inside somehow occurred, to where if anything were to happen to you now, I would be crushed.
So what do I want? Nothing. We're all in the same boat. But I can tell you're a smart and sensitive lady - the kind of person this world is much better for. So all I can say is, try to persevere ... things may not get rosy all of a sudden, but if given a chance they will eventually improve! The other thing is that you say you've given up on trying to get help. You've no doubt had some frustrating experiences. Still, I'd encourage you to remain open to the possibility - don't rule it out because a lot depends on the particular person. (It's probably especially tough in New York, being as sensitive as you obviously are.)
Finally, when you write that you "wish you could fix [things] ... but can't", I'd like to offer that, from my perspective (and probably from many others as well), you already are! Your very presence hugely encourages the rest of us. (Good folks: +1!) So I'm sending you my strongest good wishes, in the hope that this New Year 2012 will bring you enough goodness to sustain you (and no Mayan nonsense)! Take good care of yourself. Best regards ...
A Friend from Oakland
Hello!
I still would suggest you talk to some one. I myself have been couple of times in a situation where I have needed "out of the box" approach. A complete ousider to listen to me and tell me how things looked to that person. Both times I went to a professional psychologist and... they never told me what to do but they have helped me to see things in a more organized manner where as before talking to some one it was this all gray fuzzy mess that was putting me down. Understanding the reasons why I feel the way I do already is so liberating to me, I felt like I can breath again. It kind of takes the burden off: it's not me, there is a reason.
I don't know if this sounds like a loosers' approach, but in general I have learned to accept how small and how insignifigant I am in the big picture. But at the same time I have learned to accept that this is my life. And my life is for myself to live, not to be compared with others by me or anyone else. Or not for others or for me to rate how good or bad I'm doing. This makes me feel so free.
One important thing is that I have learned to enjoy and be grateful for small things. I think it is sad how easily we tend to take everything good in our life granted and focus so much on things that should be better. Sadly it's many times that we notice the good only when we loose it. And then it piles up with everything else that is wrong.
So... just my 2 cents. I guess.. in my life "Fixing it" meaned "not fixing anything" but living with a different approach.
Destroy it
If I had the strength
Of a million men
It will be done away with
Destroy it
I now know
I control it all
I am my own hero
Destroy it
If I stand around wasting time
I will be wasting time
For a lone time
Destroy it
No hands in the air for surrender
Just want to buss out
Like a butterfly from its cocoon
Destroy it
No stone will be left upon a stone
Fires will be burning
With the intentions of melting
Destroy it
Where it start is where it will end
I know how it started
I surly know how it's goin to end
Wow.... That's me. Most of it. It's your world, Create it. Try your best to keep positive thoughts, because you create your reality. Knowledge is experience. Keep faith. Not in things not seen(still keep faith in our creator of course), but what you do see. Growth. Change. You will get that happy ending, if you REALLY want and seek after it. Prayer is good and it can help a lot. I'm a social, Anti-social type of guy(if that makes any sense). It's crazy, because your take on loneliness is the same as mine. I often compare mine to being in a crowded elevator but still feeling alone. You are a beautiful person, inside and out. Keep your patience and you will see things change from this moment on. This year and ones to come are everyone's. You will be alright and for some reason, I think you believe that as well. You were chosen. There is a job for you to do that no one else can do. You just have to figure out what it is. But don't worry, you are already doing it and will continue to. Take care. And Peace be unto you.
-D.B. A fellow chosen traveler in life. From point A to Point B.
BTW if you get the chance check out my blog, there may be somethings on there you may like and spark your mind, plus I look for feedback a lot from different people.
Hello sis, you have a unique gift I will like to contact you if possible. I left a message on your youtube page. You should write your dreams has a novel and sceenplay. I am a filmaker. contact me at weareblessedproductions@hotmail.com God loves you sis
Always so close
All people will know about her
Cause all will see her
In visual lain
She was already trapped
Don't know her name
So no senseless shot out
Must times
Nerves becomin tight
No use explain
Actions will show
Whats locked away inside
Wonderin on seein this one again
Mind tied
World up side down
Speech absent
Call her out I must
I feel the need
Like a joint
I'm Urgin to hit
In hardness and wetness
Attention will be given fast
Till I am deep inside
And your all around
( I didn't forget about you...just had to go make moves. My youtube is down so when I return I own u like 10 more poems)
"Starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I could be so much more if I didn't let things tie me down. Carry so much luggage. I don't even think I know how to write a poem anymore.
I admit I'm depressed. There's something wrong in my life and I know how to fix it -
I just won't do it. I won't do it because I'm not allowed to. Unknown consequences."
I can totally relate to this! I don't why this is, but I know I need to change but I never do. I know what I need to do, but I get so lethargic at times, I just continue to exist...taking the path of least resistance. I hate this about myself.
I've seen your vedios on youtube, you're a smart lady. Sometimes you just need more time, so be patient. Just have a little faith.
http://www.hodc12.info/
when are u coming back to u tube miss your videos
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