Not Today (poem)

I don't feel like pleasing anyone today.

I don't feel like apologizing or trying to make up for any wrong thing I've done in the past.

I should really stop myself. I should run away and see how far I get before I get scared....It scares me just thinking about it.

Thinking about now, and how I'm going to worm my way out of a mess that gets me dirty and keeps everyone else clean.

I don't feel like giving my all or putting on a face so others can put faces on for me.

I don't feel like smiling because everyone else is smiling. Or laughing because everyone else is laughing.

Can I scream instead?

If I reacted to every gut feeling and instinct that came into my body I'd be too free to contain myself. If I stopped putting on a mask to please other people I could do almost anything I wanted. And right now I don't feel like adding up to other people and their worthless expectations.

I should stop myself, I really should. I guess I'd better start running away until I get scared...It excites me just thinking about it.



written 11/15/04