Starting and stopping, starting and stopping. I could be so much more if I didn't let things tie me down. Carry so much luggage. I don't even think I know how to write a poem anymore.
I admit I'm depressed. There's something wrong in my life and I know how to fix it -
I just won't do it. I won't do it because I'm not allowed to. Unknown consequences.
But I also admit I feel hindered; stuck in limbo. It's a horrible feeling. I never thought I would have to experience things like this. Everything in my life has changed and I realize more and more how little I control it.
I'm surrounded by people almost every moment yet I'm surprisingly lonely.
Lonely with my thoughts that will never be heard. I dare not say them out loud. The restriction is suffocating.
Now I just stand and wait. Hoping someone will come and save me. Save us. If I wait long enough and pray hard enough someone will come right? Or something..
I tried once to reach for help; tried to explain myself but no one understands! No one really listens correctly. I will never do that again. I will continue to look out for myself.
I hold so much inside. Suffering in silence because I was told to do so. But also because I 'm embarrassed.
I should've know better. Why did I let it become this? It's partially my fault.
I honestly don't know what to do. But I'm a strong person so I guess I'll make it through. I only say I'm strong because other people seem to think so.
As time goes on I lose a little bit of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. I'm speechless so I throw my hands in the air and surrender.
The only answer is to fix it. Just fix it.
I wish I could but I can't, I can't, I can't
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Dreams to Come...
Lately I have been having more disturbing dreams. Death, chaos, agony. Things you only see in movies. But now I have to wonder - where do they get the ideas for some of these movies? They are closer to reality than we think. Last month on Sunday night - August 22 - I had a dream that was too real to even say I was dreaming. I think it could have been another one of my crazy visions.
....I was coming home from work one day and I noticed not too many people were on the streets or subways. The people I did see looked nervous and frightened and they were all in a hurry. But I ignored them and continued on home without any questions or wonder. Where I got home my television was on. CNN was reporting a high death toll of 15,000 people. There were bodies lined up in the street - some were bodies of military men and others were of civilians. It looked like a big city in America because the street was being patrolled by the US Army. The CNN reporter began to name off some of the people who were dead so that family members could find them. Some of the bodies were so mutilated they had to be put in body bags right away, while the others lay dead in the eye of the public. It was never reported what exactly killed these people but whatever it was caused a great stir in the world and caused people to stop going to work and school.
Then I woke up...just a dream. Right?
Then the night before last on Tuesday I had another dream that made me think that it could be tied into my dream about the 15,000 deaths.
I'm not sure where I was but I remember being inside of a building - possibly my own home - and looking outside the window. The sky had changed to a strange lavender color and there was a mysterious red ball of fire in the sky. No one knew what it was. A meteorite, a sun, a planet, a star? It was smaller than the moon and sun and it seemed to be pretty far away but it was bigger than the average nighttime star. It simply appeared out of no where. Most people were nervous and afraid of it but life continued on since the strange ball of fire had done no harm and stayed in the same spot.
Then some time later - possibly days or months; I can't be sure - the ball of fire in the sky grew brighter and more red and the center of it became a hot orange. People began to go into a frenzy because no one knew what to do or what was going to happen. Many people stopped going to work and school. Then soon after, the burning ball in the sky shot down a continuous line of hot fire down onto the earth. I don't know where the fire touched but it was only one certain area of the earth that this fire was directed to. There was nothing anyone could do to make this fire stop shooting down. I remember seeing people running and screaming wanting a place to hide but there was no where to go.
Afterwards, the line of fire stopped. But people were still terrified because no one knew where this ball of fire would strike next....then I woke up. Just a "dream".....
....I was coming home from work one day and I noticed not too many people were on the streets or subways. The people I did see looked nervous and frightened and they were all in a hurry. But I ignored them and continued on home without any questions or wonder. Where I got home my television was on. CNN was reporting a high death toll of 15,000 people. There were bodies lined up in the street - some were bodies of military men and others were of civilians. It looked like a big city in America because the street was being patrolled by the US Army. The CNN reporter began to name off some of the people who were dead so that family members could find them. Some of the bodies were so mutilated they had to be put in body bags right away, while the others lay dead in the eye of the public. It was never reported what exactly killed these people but whatever it was caused a great stir in the world and caused people to stop going to work and school.
Then I woke up...just a dream. Right?
Then the night before last on Tuesday I had another dream that made me think that it could be tied into my dream about the 15,000 deaths.
I'm not sure where I was but I remember being inside of a building - possibly my own home - and looking outside the window. The sky had changed to a strange lavender color and there was a mysterious red ball of fire in the sky. No one knew what it was. A meteorite, a sun, a planet, a star? It was smaller than the moon and sun and it seemed to be pretty far away but it was bigger than the average nighttime star. It simply appeared out of no where. Most people were nervous and afraid of it but life continued on since the strange ball of fire had done no harm and stayed in the same spot.
Then some time later - possibly days or months; I can't be sure - the ball of fire in the sky grew brighter and more red and the center of it became a hot orange. People began to go into a frenzy because no one knew what to do or what was going to happen. Many people stopped going to work and school. Then soon after, the burning ball in the sky shot down a continuous line of hot fire down onto the earth. I don't know where the fire touched but it was only one certain area of the earth that this fire was directed to. There was nothing anyone could do to make this fire stop shooting down. I remember seeing people running and screaming wanting a place to hide but there was no where to go.
Afterwards, the line of fire stopped. But people were still terrified because no one knew where this ball of fire would strike next....then I woke up. Just a "dream".....
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Drifting
I'm sitting in the back all alone staring into the dimness. People all around me but not with me; talking and being seemingly happy. I am not here. I feel like I'm in a daze or a dream. Why do I have to be here? Stuck. Stuck until whenever.
I look down at my papers and run the words through my head and like water through a drain it leaves me. I simply cannot hold it. Will there be another test? If so, I do not care to pass.
I look up at the faces and uniforms and see nothing in their smiles and hear nothing in their laughter.
"What are you thinking over there?" someone asks.
"Nothing," I respond. Nothing. I yawn so hard my ear pops and I snap my eyes shut. I stay that way. As long as I think I can get away with it. I open my eyes and see. I see that I am completely out of place. They see too. When I was younger I would've cared but now I don't. What can they do to me?
I know that I make people uncomfortable when I'm too quiet. They continue to talk, I continue to be mute. Taking nothing in, giving nothing out. Drifting.
What exactly are we suppose to be doing right now? I finally think. I would like to get up and walk away right now and never come back. What if I did? What would happen? Will someone call out for me? Come look for me?
My foot twitches in anticipation. The dimness has become brighter, the laughter softer. I look across the room and see her. My friend. Another me. I almost forgot. She is here too. I suppose there is no need for two of us.
Now is my chance.
I get up and walk. Away. I shall never come back....
I look down at my papers and run the words through my head and like water through a drain it leaves me. I simply cannot hold it. Will there be another test? If so, I do not care to pass.
I look up at the faces and uniforms and see nothing in their smiles and hear nothing in their laughter.
"What are you thinking over there?" someone asks.
"Nothing," I respond. Nothing. I yawn so hard my ear pops and I snap my eyes shut. I stay that way. As long as I think I can get away with it. I open my eyes and see. I see that I am completely out of place. They see too. When I was younger I would've cared but now I don't. What can they do to me?
I know that I make people uncomfortable when I'm too quiet. They continue to talk, I continue to be mute. Taking nothing in, giving nothing out. Drifting.
What exactly are we suppose to be doing right now? I finally think. I would like to get up and walk away right now and never come back. What if I did? What would happen? Will someone call out for me? Come look for me?
My foot twitches in anticipation. The dimness has become brighter, the laughter softer. I look across the room and see her. My friend. Another me. I almost forgot. She is here too. I suppose there is no need for two of us.
Now is my chance.
I get up and walk. Away. I shall never come back....
Sunday, January 31, 2010
1:28 AM
I'm awake. Not because I want to be. But because I have a raging headache. Deep down into my neck. My eyes are watering from the pain in my temples. My vision is blurry. I am constantly ill. I truly and officially hate the world now. How much more? How much longer can we take? This year has started out bad for me. I've been dealing with a mysterious illness since New Year's Eve. Since then it has only gotten slightly better. Now recently, I've been contracting bad, random cases of nausea. It's all tearing me apart. My insides are sick and tired of being sick and tired. My job isn't any better. Sometimes I read my Bible at work just to keep me calm and level headed. It's so frustrating I can't even write about it in my journal. I never keep my journals. They're not meant for anyone else to read. Once I fill up the pages I throw them away. I seriously don't know why I write. Maybe I have a fetish. I've been doing it ever since I learned how to. Things just seem better when they're written down on paper.
Sometimes I feel like dying. But I can't tell if it's spiritual or physical. Whenever I become extremely stressed I become ill. And whenever I become ill I become extremely stressed. It is a constant, never-ending cycle.
I don't care about my family anymore. Is that bad? They call me and I rarely pick up the phone; I simply ignore them. They have all honestly become a dread to me. Or maybe I am the one who has become a dread.
Sometimes I wish death upon myself. Just to escape all the evils and madness of the world. But yet here I am. Still alive and breathing - still pushing. Pushing for what? I ask myself. Why do I do this? The torture I endure in hopes of having a happy ending. All I want is my happy ending. What must I do to attain it? I try to be the perfect woman but I feel I fail miserably. Is trying even good enough?
On Wednesday I will go back to the doctor. I'm sure she will still be clueless as to why I'm nauseated and in pain all the time. I've taken all the x-rays and blood tests. I will not be taking any more medicine or drugs she prescribes for me until she makes a correct diagnosis. It seems I will be dead before ANY physician will figure out my medical woes. Although, being deceased doesn't always seem like a bad state of existence. I wouldn't be sick anymore and I certainly wouldn't have to be a slave anymore.
Sometimes I feel like dying. But I can't tell if it's spiritual or physical. Whenever I become extremely stressed I become ill. And whenever I become ill I become extremely stressed. It is a constant, never-ending cycle.
I don't care about my family anymore. Is that bad? They call me and I rarely pick up the phone; I simply ignore them. They have all honestly become a dread to me. Or maybe I am the one who has become a dread.
Sometimes I wish death upon myself. Just to escape all the evils and madness of the world. But yet here I am. Still alive and breathing - still pushing. Pushing for what? I ask myself. Why do I do this? The torture I endure in hopes of having a happy ending. All I want is my happy ending. What must I do to attain it? I try to be the perfect woman but I feel I fail miserably. Is trying even good enough?
On Wednesday I will go back to the doctor. I'm sure she will still be clueless as to why I'm nauseated and in pain all the time. I've taken all the x-rays and blood tests. I will not be taking any more medicine or drugs she prescribes for me until she makes a correct diagnosis. It seems I will be dead before ANY physician will figure out my medical woes. Although, being deceased doesn't always seem like a bad state of existence. I wouldn't be sick anymore and I certainly wouldn't have to be a slave anymore.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Saturday, August 22, 2009
The Backroads Lead Home
Last night I had a recurring dream that has been plaguing me for the past couple weeks. It seems to be getting more intense each time so I thought it would make a nice blog topic....
It was a sunny day and I had just gotten of work and me and some of my co-workers decided to go to a nearby park to watch a movie that was playing there and have lunch. There were lots of other people already there when we arrived. We found a place to sit under the shade of a tree and spread out a blanket to have our lunch. We had only been relaxing there a few moments before we heard the sound of loud sirens echoing from down the street. We all turned towards the sounds of the sirens and we all saw strange looking fire trucks and police cars whiz by in full speed. They all stopped at a nearby corner. Some people got up to look and I joined in to see what was going on. I saw mechanical (almost robotic) looking men get out of the fire trucks and cop cars. They were arresting people and shoving them into their vehicles. I didn't think it was a big deal so I decided to go back under the tree with my co-workers but when I turned around the park was completely empty. Everyone had vanished. Disappeared. I was the only one left in the park. Even the shade of the tree was gone - the sky was cloudy and it looked like it might rain.
I became very uneasy and jittery because I wasn't sure what to do. I ran back to the place under the tree to see if any of my things were there. I found my food and my backpack still sitting on the ground so I grabbed them and headed for the sidewalk to leave the park. At that particular moment I heard a loud, forceful voice ringing in my ears. It was a man's voice and he was speaking to me. "Don't take the main roads - take the back roads!" I hesitated for a moment and then I heard the voice again repeating the same thing. So I turned around and headed in the opposite direction to take the back roads. It was then that I realized that the police cars and fire trucks were arresting any people they found traveling on the main roads.
I could hear sirens from almost every direction so I started running until I came to a large sky scraper building made out of black glass. I went inside and there were dozens of business people working inside. They seemed unaware of what was going on outside and they didn't notice me either. I found an elevator and decided to hide myself on it. Inside the elevator there were 4 men. One man was black and another one was white. I can't remember the race the other 2 men were. They were all stone cold and had no expressions on their faces except for the black man. He was giving me a strange look. I started praying silently under my breath. The black man turned to me and said, "I can hear what you're saying! It won't work! Who are you talking to?" He started jumping and having seizures. The other 3 men remained still and silent - almost like robots.
I got off the elevator and decided to go back to work. Thats when I heard the same loud, forceful voice again. "Don't go to work! Go home! Something bad is going to happen!" It kept repeating 'something bad is going to happen' over and over in my head. Outside people were still being seized and taken away by the fire trucks and police cars. So I decided to obey the voice and take the back roads and go home.....Then I woke up.
Just a dream...but why do I keep having this dream?
It was a sunny day and I had just gotten of work and me and some of my co-workers decided to go to a nearby park to watch a movie that was playing there and have lunch. There were lots of other people already there when we arrived. We found a place to sit under the shade of a tree and spread out a blanket to have our lunch. We had only been relaxing there a few moments before we heard the sound of loud sirens echoing from down the street. We all turned towards the sounds of the sirens and we all saw strange looking fire trucks and police cars whiz by in full speed. They all stopped at a nearby corner. Some people got up to look and I joined in to see what was going on. I saw mechanical (almost robotic) looking men get out of the fire trucks and cop cars. They were arresting people and shoving them into their vehicles. I didn't think it was a big deal so I decided to go back under the tree with my co-workers but when I turned around the park was completely empty. Everyone had vanished. Disappeared. I was the only one left in the park. Even the shade of the tree was gone - the sky was cloudy and it looked like it might rain.
I became very uneasy and jittery because I wasn't sure what to do. I ran back to the place under the tree to see if any of my things were there. I found my food and my backpack still sitting on the ground so I grabbed them and headed for the sidewalk to leave the park. At that particular moment I heard a loud, forceful voice ringing in my ears. It was a man's voice and he was speaking to me. "Don't take the main roads - take the back roads!" I hesitated for a moment and then I heard the voice again repeating the same thing. So I turned around and headed in the opposite direction to take the back roads. It was then that I realized that the police cars and fire trucks were arresting any people they found traveling on the main roads.
I could hear sirens from almost every direction so I started running until I came to a large sky scraper building made out of black glass. I went inside and there were dozens of business people working inside. They seemed unaware of what was going on outside and they didn't notice me either. I found an elevator and decided to hide myself on it. Inside the elevator there were 4 men. One man was black and another one was white. I can't remember the race the other 2 men were. They were all stone cold and had no expressions on their faces except for the black man. He was giving me a strange look. I started praying silently under my breath. The black man turned to me and said, "I can hear what you're saying! It won't work! Who are you talking to?" He started jumping and having seizures. The other 3 men remained still and silent - almost like robots.
I got off the elevator and decided to go back to work. Thats when I heard the same loud, forceful voice again. "Don't go to work! Go home! Something bad is going to happen!" It kept repeating 'something bad is going to happen' over and over in my head. Outside people were still being seized and taken away by the fire trucks and police cars. So I decided to obey the voice and take the back roads and go home.....Then I woke up.
Just a dream...but why do I keep having this dream?
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